Before enlightenment - wash dishes, sweep floor. After enlightenment, trick someone else into doing it.
Before enlightenment - chop water, wash in sticks. After enlightenment chop sticks, wash in water.
I had a fatwa put on me once. It weighed so much I wished it had been a thinwa instead.
Travel broadens the mind - sitting broadens the behind.
Police like jumpers - they’re always pointing and shouting at drivers ‘Pullover!’
Never ask a cannibal if he’s on his last legs.
Do hedgehogs suffer from prickly heat?
A bad doctors life is a series of missed-aches.
What was George Michaels defence, when he was caught in a public toilet? ‘It won’t happen again - it was just a flash in the pan’.
Why do men treat women as objects? Because their objective is objectionable!
Excerpt from West Side Story “I’ve just sat on a tintack and I can’t help shouting - My rear! My rear!’
How to start an argument by I.M. Wright & U.R. Wong.
What did Ranulph Feines sing to himself as he dragged his sleigh through the icy wastes? ‘To - To - Tootsies, goodbye!’
A man was using a sledgehammer to smash a lump of concrete in his garden, when a friend turned up
‘Come on, put your back into it! Give it some Bruce Forsyth and ignorance!’
‘Hey Tom, it’s raining - what should we do?’
‘I don’t know about you but I’m hopping into MacDonalds for a Mac, a Big Mac’
Hand made - artificially inseminated.
Self-made man (see above)
Notice over prophets door ‘Staff wanted’
Frankenstein has his fathers eyes.
What was on Aran before Goat Fell? Goat standing up.
Sir Laurence Oliviers dog fell on hard times after it’s master died ‘Bonio, Bonio wherefort art thou Bonio?’
Did you hear about the religious nut who thought he was the object Jesus died on? Every time he ran across the road he shouted “Thank God I’m a-cross!”
What do burglars do in October, with some of the items they stole earlier in the year? They don’t return the candle sticks but they always put the clocks back.
Slave market offer of the week - buy Wong get Juan free!
Why did the happy man rob a bank?
Because he felt like a million dollars!
A bisexual murderer, who killed both his male and female lover, was found guilty and hanged - he swung both ways.
When it comes to alcohol consumption, Bud's weiser than either Becks or Miller
Obituary for The Fiddler on the Roof star - Topol, over
Since George Bush came to power is it true that the Americans swear at an oaf of allegiance?
Devils Dictionary
Arrogance - stupidity disguised as insanity
Conservative - labour saving device
Weightlifting - fat man getting out of bed
Defiant - wants what they want - not what I want to give them
Frankenstein Jokes
You can't trust Frankenstein - he has his mothers eyes
What did Baron Frankenstein do when someone caught him building a monster? He made a bolt for it!
Frankensteins monster fell into a combine harvester. I really wanted to tell him I'd collected all the pieces but I just didn't have the heart
I like visiting Victor Frankenstein - he always keeps an eye out for me and is willing to give me a hand if I need it
Frankenstein doesn't know very much about female anatomy but he tries to keep a breast
I wouldn't say Frankensteins monster is stupid but it hasn't got the brains it was born with
Frankenstein's monster was involved in a serious road accident and lost its lower limbs. It was taken to court because of careless driving. Victor pleaded with the judge for a leaner sentence but he was adamant that the monster had to pay for his crime. 'Your arguments don't cut any ice here. In any case it doesn't have a leg to stand on'
Frankensteins monster is a great, big coward! In fact I've never seen such a gutless and spineless wonder.
The monster appeared on a talk show "Our next guest is Baron Frankensteins monster - let's give him a great big hand! Sorry, he's already got one!"
Tony Christie of the group Dawn, decided to go on a metal work course. He decided to specialise in making monkeys. Working on his biggest project so far, he turned to his tutor and said "I'm having real difficulty with this ape and I'm not sure of my technique - is this the way to hammer gorilla's?"
'Before we shoot you as a spy, you Germanic bastard, do you mind if we splash you with eau-de-cologne?'
'Yes, you English Pig-dog! You can take Horst to slaughter but you cannot make him stink!'
'Doctor?'
'Yes Holmes!'
' What do you call a citrus fruit tree without any vowels?'
'I've no idea'
'It's L-M-N tree my dear Watson!'
A man tried to contact an old friend, who'd moved back to China. After 6 goes he slammed down the phone.
'What's wrong?' his wife asked
'Every time I try to get Frank Choi, all I get is a wong number!'
